you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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