i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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