Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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