it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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