I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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