Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
