I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
