im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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