Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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