dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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