NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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