my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
