Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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