how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
