Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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