If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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