My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
