...so i touched it.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
