Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
