Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
