So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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