My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
