I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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