Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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