I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
