you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
