I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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