don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
