If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
In other news, I just burned my penis
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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