my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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