You made me cry and you don't even care
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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