She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
