Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
