please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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