I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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