I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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