he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
