Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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