All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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