So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
