sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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