Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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