i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
