Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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