Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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