At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
