I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
