I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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