You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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