so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
