I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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