im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
