I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
