apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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