did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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