Old men and throwing up are my life now.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
