when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
