at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
