I cannot find my penis.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I am one with the molecules
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
