I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
A+ Viking dick
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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